We all have things we’d like to change in videogames. It may come as no surprise that one of mine is the portrayal of women in games. Here’s a little thought-journey exploring those feelings if they came from one of the in-game characters themselves. Set in medieval newspaper “The Squire”, with collaboration from @labcoatman and @elroyonline.
Seasoned war hero experiences fashion-induced hysteria
– Hegie Mony tries to decipher what local woman is on about.
Aedairin Dragonsong made a name for herself at the formless age of 13, when she made her debut in battle after a local blacksmith discovered her skill with a blade.
“She could have been a boy!” said Thomerson the Smithy of her prowess. “I was amazed to see her pick the sword up, let alone be able to use it.”
Before puberty hit, she was in numerous battles defending Evenfell against the dark forces from the North. Since then, however, her position in the army has been controversial.
This increase in mammary tissue within the forces has called for a “reboot” to the range of armor to reflect the inclusion of the very first woman to the exclusive ranks of the Knightscross. “We felt the armor for Aedairin didn’t need to be so “butch”, we want her to feel feminine, plus it’s super hot, I don’t know what she has against looking sexy.”
“She walked into the feast, our celebration of a good harvest season, and started taking issue with my new designs,” armorer Anders Dunthorp said. “I could barely make out what she was saying over her pendulous breasts.”
Thomerson the Smithy is particularly proud of the gorgeous personal flourishes he has hand-etched onto the armor, saying “I’m really grateful that the army is so progressive about its inclusion of a woman, it’s really fun to make something pretty for once, it’s something I rarely get to do. Normally it’s all business.”
The new range of women’s armor is loosely based on a pattern Anders found from a local undergarment seamstress, he says, with metal reinforcements to protect a woman’s most vulnerable and valued areas.
We allowed Aedairin to share her views during a fitting.
“I don’t think it’s fair I have to pay full price for my armor when it barely covers my body… I’m getting two kilograms of armor compared to their ten.” she said while Anders Dunthorp delicately measured her inseam. Again.
She scoffed at the suggestion that women soldiers may not be able to carry the weight of the full armor, her porcelain chest heaving invitingly.
“It’s not just a money thing, I’ve fought in this “new range” and honestly it’s only a matter of time before someone strikes my bare midriff and the organs held within.” droned Aedairin as the sunlight caught her long blonde curls that cascaded down to her waist.
“I don’t know what your problem is, it has a breastplate, AND a modesty flap!” Anders said.
“It’s not a breastplate, it’s a boobplate! It has breasts dished out of it. Huge ones!”
Aedairin attempted to clarify that were she to fall, the lucky metal nestled between her norgs would most certainly crack her sexy, sexy sternum.
“When I’m hit while wearing it, it actually GUIDES the blade toward the centre of my chest[sic].” Aedairin jiggled. “It doesn’t make sense.” (We can safely assume she misspoke here, and meant to say cleavage.)
“If anything, she has an advantage over the other soldiers, they have to reach all the way to their boots to access their small dagger, hers is closer at hand in her leather thigh garter. I think she’s making two voluptuous mountains out of a molehill and should just get on with it.” Anders rebuked.
“I can’t fight like this, and I won’t until I’m properly reinforced.” Aedairin threatened, boobily.
The council for the Knightscross declined to be interviewed and have refused comment.